Through These Eyes Essay Research Paper Amy — страница 2
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always get the things in high places for me. Oh, dear diary. I wish so badly that this void in my life were not here. I miss my husband. June 17 Dear Diary, The arthritis in my knee is acting up today. I am scared, very scared. Who is going to take care of me when I cannot take care of myself? I have no family anymore. I have no one. I sometimes regret our decision not to adopt children. We figured that if God wanted us to have a child, He would have given us a child. But sometimes, I feel God?s message might have been that there were plenty of unwanted children in the world, and we should have taken one. I can?t think too much about that though, what?s done is done. One day I am going to die, this is inevitable. I just don?t want to do it alone. Death shouldn?t scare me, but it does. I remember being younger, so carefree. It wasn?t too long ago that these old knees could run without worry, in fact it was only yesterday in my mind. I wish I could turn the time back. I am afraid of being alone. June 22 Dear Diary, I went out last night for the first time since Christopher?s death. Betty has been calling me for a couple of weeks to attend Bridge, so I decided to pacify her persistence and go. It was nice to see the ladies; almost all of them attended with the exception of Kathryn, who is feeling under the weather. I laughed a lot. I didn?t realize it until I got home, but for the first time since Christopher?s death, I wasn?t thinking about him all throughout the evening. I can?t believe that I went out and did not remember him! I feel very sad and angry with myself. My husband is dead, and I am out on the town laughing. I feel like I should have been at home. Actually, I don?t know how I should be feeling these days. My husband was seventy-nine years old. He lived a good life, and he had a peaceful death. I just don?t understand why I can?t let go. Christopher would want me to live my life still, and he would want me to be happy. It?s just so hard to live my life without him. It?s so hard to find the energy to press on. I want to keep going. I?ve got to keep going. June 29 Dear Diary, I went to church this past Sunday. I have not been since Christopher died, and even then we never really attended service regularly. Pastor Johnson was very receiving of me. He is always so insistent that I come see him on Sundays, and he did such a nice job with Christopher?s funeral that I figured I should attend. I enjoyed seeing some familiars faces, and even some new ones for that matter. I think I will visit again next Sunday. Betty is picking me up this evening for Bridge. I am going to bring a cake for the ladies, it is an interesting recipe I found in the Southern Living magazine. I hope they like it. July 4 Dear Diary, Today has been a very difficult day for me. This is my first Fourth of July without Christopher. I am missing him terribly today, and I want to do nothing but cry. There is a celebration service at the church tonight, but I don?t want to go. I don?t want to do anything. I still see his face, hear his voice, and smell his breath. I know that sounds strange, but his breath had a scent. Sometimes I will be out somewhere and all of a sudden I?ll smell him. The other day, I was in JC Penny shopping for new bed linen and I thought I saw the backside of him. I know that my husband is dead, but for a split second, I allowed my mind to play this trick on me so that I might feel the joy of his presence again. The strange thing is, I have never dreamed about Christopher since his death, not even once. I certainly wish though that I could visit with him in my dreams. I long to see him. I suppose though that he knows I would spend all of my time sleeping if this were the case, and no time awake. He knows me too well. However, I think I will go to sleep early tonight. The sooner my eyes shut, the sooner this day can end. September 8 Dear Diary, I got a job today! I can?t believe it. I will be working at the church media center on Wednesdays from 9:00a.m. ? 400 p.m. and on Sundays from 8:00am ? 1:00pm. I have never worked in my whole life! I have volunteered in the past, but I will actually be getting paid for this! Pastor Johnson called me yesterday and asked if I could meet with him to discuss some things. I was certain that he just wanted to speak in regard to the loss of Christopher, to see how I was feeling (i.e. coping). We have been meeting the past few months for a counseling session once a week to discuss these issues. When I arrived, however, he asked if I would be interested in working at the church! Can you believe it? Me! I feel like I am twenty years old right now. I will be working with another lady named Jane, who is very nice and also a widow.